Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am when it comes to certain things. I know this probably doesn’t make sense..but it makes sense in my mind. I tend to be an introvert. I am not sure why. I often ponder about this, but I can’t understand why.
I pray that God help me love others as He loves me. And I do
It’s just that after a while, I just need to get away. There are people who are very dependent of others, and because I am not, most people feel intimidated by me, or so that’s what they have told me.
The weird thing is that deep inside I want the company of others. Mostly just one person that understands me. That I won’t get sick of. That I don’t know makes me feel like I can be who I am.
“I was anti-everything and everyone. I didn’t want people around me. This aversion was not some big crippling anxiety; merely a mature recognition of my own psychological vulnerability and my lack of suitability as a companion. Thoughts jostled for space in my crowded brain as I struggled to give them some order which might serve to motivate my listless life.”
how i thought high school would be where i would make tons of friends and be very social and whatnot. no, not at all. i don’t know if it’s because i’m just so weird, or because i just don’t want all of that. maybe its a mixture of both.
“So I went to the Y to get a room; they didn’t have any, and by instinct I wandered down to the railroad tracks-and there’s a lot of them in Des Moines- and wound up in a gloomy Plains inn of a hotel by the locomotive roundhouse, and spent a long day sleeping on a big clean hard bed with dirty remarks carved in the wall beside my pillow and the beat yellow windowshades pulled over the smoky scene of the railyards. I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn’t know who I was- I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I’d never seen, hearing the hiss of stream outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn’t know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn’t scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was haunted, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future.”—On The Road
I really am not too aware of my surroundings. I wonder if that’s good or bad. I just like to keep focused. Most importantly keep my eyes and gaze on God and things he has set out before me. It’s because I have faith. Faith in Him. After that, all things fall into place. I keep focused on loving on others, on my family, on friends. Although I feel like I need to spend more time with friends, school has been draining me these past couple of weeks, but now that finals are over, I can start over. New semester, hopefully new, positive things will. ( So yes, school is a main priority for me). After that comes the things that keep me going, besides of course Jesus and His promises. Volleyball and fitness are essential. Music plays a big role in my life. I don’t know, it helps me find my peace of mind, if that makes sense. I don’t know though. It feels like there’s more out there. I’m just not aware of it. But if I’m happy with my life in the moment, that’s all that matters. All of that drama and crap doesn’t intrigue me, I’d rather just walk away from the things most teenage girls deal with and be who I am.